Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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