i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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