Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
