I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
My vagina just recognized that song.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
