So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
