Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
