So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
zippers are such a cool invention
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
