i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
that's an acceptable place to lick
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
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