His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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