you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Tell her she can't have a vagina
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
