Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Vodka?
Forever.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
