Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
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