If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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