Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
