I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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