i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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