there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Your cock deserves a montage
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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