In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
