On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i think i have two assholes
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
