She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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