Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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