things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
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who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
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My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I forget how to act sober
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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