Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
