the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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