It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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