Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
