Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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