help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
