My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
