I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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