when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
