1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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