oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
