Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
