Christians are straight up FREAKS
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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