I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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