i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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