I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
