we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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