I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
10 Things Your Gyno Wants You To Stop Doing To Your Vagina
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
For Some Reason, Boys Are Singing The ‘Halo’ Theme Song In School Bathrooms
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes