dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
