I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
She needs sedatives and a leash
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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