textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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