I'm so fucking centered right now
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
