the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
