i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
