He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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