I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Randomize
