Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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