i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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