There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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