So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
