So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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