She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
