watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
