I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Success! We fucked roommates!
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
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