My hand turned me down
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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