I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
