Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
