Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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