He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
