party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
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Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
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Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
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