Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
